When Fear controls you

*From a couple months ago*


Post auto-mobile accident, I found a new job (YAAAY right?). This job seems very promising and appears to have a lot of opportunity for growth. My previous jobs had no such thing. There’s one catch with this job though. Success relies HEAVILY on memorization of scripts. If you only understood what it was like in my mind when I realized this unfortunate truth. My first thought was “well you know we’re gonna have to quit or be forced out”. I have a fear of things that are strictly memorization. I’ve never shared this, but I quit acting although people thought I became quite good at it and found me to be very funny. But a lot of acting is memorizing lines and whole scripts. I wasn’t very good at that AT ALL. So I improvised. I began just summarizing what I thought was being communicated in the script and making it my own (genius right?). But the writers of theses scripts didn’t always like that. They wanted me to use the exact language in the scripts so I could get across their message the way they envisioned it. Completely understandable, but that didn’t necessarily work for me. After squeaking my way through one more production I quit and never pursued an illustrious career as an actor.

Fast forward a few years. I was breezing through my Kinesiology classes (I was an Exercise Science major) and posted the highest GPA I’ve ever attained in College and maybe once in high school. I got a 3.0! I took all Kinesiology classes that semester and was so prepared to move into a career as a strength and conditioning coach within the next two years. The last semester of my junior year though, I had nothing but upper-level classes scheduled. “Stats of pyschology= F, Advanced World politics, Advanced French, and a 300 level World Civilizations class (advanced history). I failed those extremely difficult classes and dropped and never returned for my senior year dealing with serious depression.

When I tell you this was something that has had a hold on me–like GRIPPING fear. This has been a bully I avoid AT ALL COSTS. Would you believe me if I told you I was born FEARLESS? But, when I was about five years old as well as at the age of twenty, I almost drowned TO DEATH….this is where the trauma came in and the root of the anxiety disorder I struggled with. The waves were insurmountable and washed over me both times and I could not save myself. At twenty I was so angry with myself for even trying to overcome this fear. Why would I even attempt to fight this bully, EVER?

Whoever this speaks to, don’t be defeated! God gave you the spirit of a SOUND MIND, not a faulty one. (2 Tim 1:7)

Let’s be practical and use my life as an example.

-I never figured out my learning style.

-I never got assistance in learning how to swim

Therefore I never overcame these two seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

There are practical opportunities to do better. I can learn how to swim (with someone I trust lol) and I can research to find out which learning style fits me best. Here’s one spiritual application. With the presence of fear, I’ve noticed an absence of FAITH. The Bible says in Hebrews 11:6 (Nkjv), “But without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” In essence, not only do I displease God by replacing Him and giving reverence to a bully but I had no clue there was a reward I was also missing on the other side! How many more times will I replace God AND miss out on a reward? 

My last spiritual application is to condition your mind in preparation for this spiritual warfare (that’s what it really is). I meditate now on a 2 Tim 2:7,  For God, has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” This is a MAJOR KEY. God didn’t give you a SPIRIT of FEAR. It’s a SPIRIT you allowed the enemy to slip in for free. So remember this, God gave you a spirit of POWER, LOVE, and A SOUND MIND. Not a weak and feeble mind that is easily defeated. Remind yourself of Gods word. Build your faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing the word of God (Romans 10:17, Nkjv).

I also picked up a book by Dr. Caroline Leaf called, Switch On Your Brain: The Key to Peak Happiness, Thinking, and Health. I encourage anyone reading this and struggling with anything similar to grab this as well as your Holy word. You can do both at the same time. As Christians that seems to be something that needs to be stated. We can’t always just “pray it all away”. We have to put some action forward as well as educate ourselves.