Where you been?

I haven’t posted in a while. My fault! You know how we all (thanks to this microwave generation– have everything quick era) deal with things that concern our vanity? For me—- my vanity is my public perception/how people view me. Follow me while I illustrate something; During the year I won’t post my body on Instagram during the winter because it’s not ready (after years of being an athlete it’s something I’ve done without putting much thought to it). Every year I post the summer photos though after all that hard work to show what I did the entire winter leading up til the hot months. So all you see is the finished product. This protects my image, the way you view me and my confidence. I’ve been STRUGGLING. Since October nothing has gone my way. I had stress at my workplaces (I’ve worked in two different places since October looking for stability that caters more towards me instead of the other way around), and stress in my personal life. It’s been a year and couple months since the mental breakdown I had last January (happy anniversary to me.lol). Life has picked up speed (my responsibilities didn’t slow down because I was forced to take a timeout) and I stopped doing what made me successful. Going to church was key, (I was required to work every Sunday so that was dead), going to therapy is major (I just didn’t feel I had the time to make it with my long work hours) and finally I stopped working out (I was grinding and trying to pay bills so I would be exhausted when I got home and just went to sleep).

Eventually, I picked my exercise regimen back up started to do really well and then I had to get my wisdom teeth pulled. All four of my wisdom teeth started really hurting so I got them pulled at the same time. I was on an ice cream diet because that’s I wanted. I didn’t want to eat mashed potatoes, cold soup or apple sauce. So while I lay in bed on pain killers for a week my body began to deteriorate. Then After two weeks of being out of the gym, I began to try to bounce back. Would you believe I was also in a car accident a few weeks following the extraction of my wisdom teeth?? I was hit by a woman that wasn’t paying attention and texting on her phone and my car was TOTALED. I was in the hospital for e day, and was in some pain for weeks. I sat out of work for a week and used all the paid time off I had accrued. At this job, they operate on a point system. If you miss one day you’ve accrued 2 points. I was restricted from work for the first week and the second week I could only work a half day. so If I’m working five to six days and I miss half a day that’s 5-6 points and I already had 6 from the 5 months leading up to the accident. I had to sit down with management and they informed I couldn’t work half days and would be fired in a week with no grace If I missed half of work every day. So I put in my two weeks notice and went home. Then my car was “in the shop” from the accident and GEICO decided it was a total loss and left me without a vehicle. I went into my savings to pay for a rental car to get me to my last few days of work as well as to any job interviews I was scheduled for. That emptied my entire savings over the course of 3 weeks. Imagine how much I spent at Enterprise for 3 weeks with the going rate being $114 a day. OH, MY LORD. And this entire time, as things aren’t going my way, I’m not posting because I don’t have it all together yet. I completely stopped my conference calls I was hosting for people that deal with mental health disorders or support someone that deals with mental health disorders as well.

 

I’ve recently adopted a different perspective. I asked myself this question: Is the benefit IN the advice I’m able to give or does it lie within the process? The answer seems obvious, but in 2017, but au contraire. THE PROCESS is so much more helpful to onlookers and people presently struggling with the same thing. Who does it help if I’m perfect? I will admit, I got perspective because of people’s expectations of me as well this persona that is passed around the church community as well as the gym. Only show up when you’re perfect. How are you going to get better in either community if you only show up when you have it all together?

James 1:4 (NKJV) says:  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. I had to remind myself that this is an ongoing process. So DURING the process let patience work in you, God is perfecting you. Give God praise DURING as well as at the finish line. If you are waiting until the finish line for God to be done perfecting you could be waiting for forever. 

Full Disclosure

​Hey family I’ll be facilitating a conference calls regarding depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder and supporting family members/friends that suffer with these disorders. So you can better engage/support them. It can be for friends or family you know who haven’t yet submitted to treatment or who are in the treatment process. As well as people who may not be ready to go see someone yet and would like anonymous support without fear of being judged. In our community this topic is SO taboo. In my opinion people would rather share a physical disease that could result in death, than sharing about their mental health. As family and friends, we’ve often resulted to calling family members/friends crazy which cause them to retreat shut down and refuse help. Well…I’d like to champion this cause to the best of my ability by offering support.
I’ll repost about the time later. Im shooting for sunday night around 7pm

Dial in number 641-715-0700
Access code: 994682

Dear Black People

There is a verse that I’ve broken down on MANY occasions so people can properly understand it. It’s Philippians 4:13. Take a look starting with verse eleven:

“11 Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: 12 I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  13I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Read the whole book of Philippians to get even more context for this one, often misquoted verse. Paul is talking about being in distress and dealing with persecution! Not physical strength!

My People! We are being persecuted.

And that’s what this verse is for, not a display of physical strength! When we face a set of bleak circumstances like we see now, remember; I can be content and at peace on the inside even though hell is breaking loose on the outside. I can do these things through Christ’s strength.  Even though we see countless black men being executed on camera with no justice, I can get up, go to work, continue to protect and provide for my family, through Christ’s strength. Otherwise, I would never step foot out of my house in complete fear.

Finally, Consider it pure joy when you face adversity.

James 2 says: My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Trials put your faith on trial, and every test of adversity tests your faith in God.
Im not saying don’t see this as racial injustice..because it is. But also consider this a trial and the testing of your faith.

We have faith in God in every area, (finances for sure) but will we put our faith in God in this area? In this area i really do have faith the size of a mustard seed! I can’t trust the justice system to do ANYTHING right. Freddie Gray, Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, Tamir rice, Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland, dylan roof, brock turner, HILLARY CLINTON proves that! We have to stop putting our trust in man and trust God! Putting your trust in man will fail you every time!

Remember this: For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12). We keep looking to hold man accountable for their corrupt behavior, but ask yourself who is really behind it? Dont forget we have an adversary.

#Birfday

​I had thoughts of taking my own life some months ago…But Why would i do that if I’m a king? I guess i forgot. I’m so thankful to see 28, you wouldn’t even understand. Praise God im here today, God’s got some great things in store for ya boy.

It’s His world

He knew how/why everything happened; He knew the disposition of every single soul. He wasn’t going to let anything happen by accident! Nobody was going to hell by mistake. This was His world, all this! He had complete control of it; His justice, His mercy– were not our justice or our mercy. What folly to even imagine such a thing. I didn’t have to know how He was going to save the unlettered and unbaptized, or how He would redeem the conscientious heathen who had never spoken His name. I didn’t have to know how my gay friends would find their way to Redemption; or how my hardworking secular humanist friends could or would receive the power of His saving Grace. I didn’t have to know why good people suffered agony or died in pain. He knew. And it was His knowing that overwhelmed me, His knowing that became completely real to me…And why should I remain apart from Him just because I couldn’t grasp all of this? He could grasp it. 
Anne Rice
 Out of darkness: a spiritual journey
As I look at the frenzy…the chaos…my world spiraling out of control; I realize I went out of control with it! Seeing black men being treated less than human…shot and killed, I’ve grown desensitized. I allowed what I’ve seen to become my reality. I’ve allowed what’s going on, on the outside cause inner turmoil. WHY? God’s got it! In the past few hours I’ve taken time to recoil and have found myself before the throne of grace seeking God’s will on this. What took me so long? My facebook posts and retweets mean nothing. Moving the heart of God affects change in my life. Reading this quote by Anne Rice I started to realize I couldn’t grasp the current events and rationalize them. But God can. He see’s the police brutality. He see’s each family agonizing over loss. It’s not my justice it’s His justice! The mercy I’ve considered withholding, it’s not mine! So why withhold it? I pray we seek God and move His heart. He will heal our land. Don’t live in fear in the black community, don’t worry.

Dealing with depression

You know what it’s like dealing with depression? It’s like being TRAPPED, in the house of your dreams! Let that sink in..

Think about what the house of your dreams looks like and then piece together what it’d be like; from the floors to the furniture. Now imagine people, friends and family, admiring your home and praising you for it, not knowing you aren’t able to actually leave. Looking and simply writing off the notion that you’re not happy, not knowing you are not be able to escape from it. And when you try to mention your discomfort or explain your disdain for the home you live in people try to explain it way.
Everyone on the outside looking in tells you, “you’ll be fine, everything looks great on the outside, “I’m sure you’re fine”, or “did you pray about it?”
Dealing with depression (especially the various forms of it) is not easy, and it’s not just something you can pray away…LET THAT SINK IN.

You have to deal with it in a practical way along with prayer. Not one or the other. We treat physical ailments with urgency, just not our mental health. Would you break your ankle and just say you’ll tough it out and walk around on it? NO. You could make that temporary injury permanent. Would you break a bone anywhere on your body and say “I’ll just pray over it”? No! You would immediately seek help. But with mental health we don’t take the same mindset. Diabetes requires medication, accompanied with exercise. Why don’t we treat our mental health the same??

Disappointment can also be very hard to deal with, especially bearing it alone. About 3 months ago, I had a nervous breakdown. I was in a mental health institution for about 2 weeks. Prior to going to seek treatment I let my boss know at Chick-fil-A, that i would be seeking treatment. He told me to go ahead, he understands he’s dealt with depression too, and  “see you in 2 weeks” is how he ended our conversation. I go to treatment for a week and a half and decided I’m ready to return on the Wednesday following the first full week. Do you know he had already given my job away to someone else? I internalized it as He moved on and decided I was no longer valuable. After dealing with hopelessness head on for a week and a half that became almost too much as well.

Check this.
It’s also so hard to pray for big things that require faith and shows God’s power. You know why? Because you don’t feel you can quite deal with disappointment from God, in addition to everyone else. Aint that wild?? And Without faith its impossible to please God so where does that leave you….

Dealing with depression can be exasperating. It’s like you’re a superhero one day and completely human the next.

Here’s a couple of tips I’d like to share with anyone that deals with depression that I feel work for me.

  • Share your struggle with the people close to you. You can’t get compassion if people don’t know what you’re dealing with.
  • Seek counseling. Its like being obese and seeking a trainer. You’re really do need assistance.
  • Don’t suffer by yourself. Share when you feel it coming on.
  • Involve God through prayer. There are times I’ve felt my mouth is being kept shut physically. I’ve known for sometime that was the enemy but I never addressed it.
  • Saturate yourself in God’s word. Hopeless thoughts can’t reside in the same space.

*Please remember this; especially my black folk.
Sheer Avoidance is not deliverance.

#raisingmentalhealthawareness